Resolutions

“Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, ‘Do you see this woman?  I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head.  You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in.  You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil.  Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much.  But to whom little is forgiven the same loves little.’”  (Luke 7:44, NKJ) 

Resolutions

It happened a long time ago, but I remember it well.  We were playing a really big game.  We were the underdogs.  It was one of those football games that you couldn't take your eyes off, sit down, or breathe.  Then with emotions building in the last minutes, we won the game.  Without thinking, I took off down the stairs, jumped the fence, and ran to congratulate the team and coaches. Suddenly a policeman stepped out of nowhere.  He said something like, “Now where do you think you’re going, young lady?  Go back out of here the way you came.”  I said something like, “I can't jump that fence!”

This reminds me a little of my experience with New Year resolutions.  I start out determined, motivated, and resolved.  Then after awhile when that wears off, there I am again.  Doing the very thing I hate, and hating the thing I do.  So I commit myself again and again.  Try harder. Suck it up.  Pull up my bootstraps.  Fail.  Over and over till I give up and feel guilty.

When I began getting sick, before we knew I had a mental disorder, I thought everyone could read my mind.  Can you imagine the things you might think or try not to think?  I wanted to hide.  I could not rationalize that my innermost thoughts were not visible to others.  I could not stop thinking that way.  It’s probably not as drastic as that for you, but I think we all have that nagging thing or that big thing which we would like to change.

Paul also had this problem, it seems to me.  He asked the Lord to remove a thorn in his flesh three times.    The Lord, instead, told Paul that His grace was sufficient for him.    But Paul’s ever present “thorn” did not mean that God was not doing a mighty work in him and through him. God’s concern was for the bigger picture.  His ways are not our ways.   God had given Paul a message.  It would have been very easy for Paul to have struggled with pride.  So God saw fit to humble him.  Paul, who seems to have been the most disciplined among his peers, could not get his life together, either. 

For those of us who have trusted our hearts and lives to Jesus Christ, He now lives in us.  If you have not done this, I invite you to do that right now.  Although believers still sin, when God looks at us, He sees us perfect.  We have the Spirit of God living in and through us.  We are one with Him.  We have opportunity to live in freedom because of the gospel.  Christ’s death and burial and resurrection paid for our sins.  We are forgiven.  Christ's righteousness becomes ours.  Some believe that means you can do whatever you want.  The question then is:  What do you want to do, now?

Jesus tells His own:  I already know all there is to know about you, and yet I have chosen you.  I won't judge you or condemn you.  You are mine.  I will not forsake you.  Nothing can separate us.  I am the best friend you will ever have.  You can rest in me and in my Father’s love.  I will carry you and your heavy load. 

Imagine Jesus saying:  “Let’s sit in the sunshine by the seashore and talk a while.  You can tell me about your innermost thoughts, your feelings, your fears, your doubts, your struggles and your joys.  I have experienced it all.   We could go fishing or take a ride in the boat.  Later on we might just be silent.  Take a walk together as the sun starts to go down.  Let’s just enjoy being together.”

Prayer: 

May we live in the freedom, forgiveness and closeness with you that you have already bought for us.  Lord, we are forgiven much.  We love much.  I pray that we live, rest, think, feel, and believe that the righteousness of Christ is ours, and His immeasurable love is for us.

Different Kind of Christmas

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.  If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love...These things I command you, that you love one another.”   (John 15:9-10, 17, NKJ) 

Every Christmas we have been together with our children.  This year after Thanksgiving, I began to hear the plans of my family, one by one.  This Christmas will take most of them in other directions besides to our home.  I knew all their plans were for the best this year, but I was waiting to fall apart and go through a major down spiral.  You know, the poor-me that I can slide into.  We are going to be with one daughter and our grandson, and that is so wonderful for us.  But with the rest of the family away and my husband planning to be out of town some, I pretty much saw myself going through the holidays alone.

I started thinking what that might look like.  Haven’t felt like reading—no concentration.  Haven’t been able to write—computer problems.  I haven’t bought presents.  The kids already have things in mind.  Haven’t put up a tree.  Don’t plan on cooking.  My grandson is going to grill for us.  Since my husband has been out of town, I decided to do some things that would make this year special, different, or unique.  So far, I have been with great friends and family, and have so enjoyed them, but I’ve been alone a lot too.  I hope to be with some women who might not have family with them on Christmas.   I prayed, “Lord, tradition is great, but Christmas really is about you.  I want to enter into rest in your presence.  In your love.”

Jesus tells us to abide in His love.  That is to dwell, live, breathe, move, be nourished.  To me it is like a little baby inside its mother’s womb.  She provides the baby’s every need.  The two are as close as they can possibly be.  The baby is inside the mother.  She surrounds herself around the child.   We are to be inside Jesus’ love.  He loves us as the Father loves Him.  How utterly amazing!

I have turned the lights down low.  Lit the candles throughout the room.  Placed the nativity figures just as I imagine they were on that glorious night.  Have a warm fire, and music softly playing to quiet my heart.  His presence is amazing.  I picture my Father letting me rest on His shoulder.  My Savior, as I kneel in front of Him and wash His feet with my tears, like a brother, reaches for me.   He whispers of His love for me in that still small voice.  In His presence I experience being loved, healed, strengthened, cleansed, renewed and reassured.  There I am whole.

There is no happier place to be than trusting in the one who is supreme and who controls everything.  To know your life is in His hands.  That He gives you rest in His gentle, meek, humble heart.  That He lives in you and His love is in you.  That you are in His love and nothing can separate you, ever.

After we first come into God’s love, may we then go and give that love to others.  Let’s give it to a love-hungry world whether inside your home, or beyond.  When we are in the presence of God we are so full of joy and love it has to go somewhere. 

May you have an abundant love and joy in this Different Kind of Christmas. 

Misfit

“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: when His mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child by the Holy Spirit. And Joseph her husband, being a righteous man and not wanting to disgrace her, planned to send her away secretly.  But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.  She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.’  Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet:   ^‘BEHOLD, THE VIRGIN SHALL BE WITH CHILD AND SHALL BEAR A SON, AND THEY SHALL CALL HIS NAME IMMANUEL,’ which translated means, ‘GOD WITH US.’”  Matt 1:18-23 (NASB95)

Do you ever feel alone?  Lonely?  Like you just don't fit in?   I do.  At times I feel like a total misfit.  You may feel you are the only one facing your situation.  Perhaps you have lost a mate?  Lost a child?  Maybe you struggle with a relationship or an addiction, or a mental or physical limitation.  You may be a single parent.  You may love someone who doesn’t love you.  Are you a single man or woman expecting a child and feel no one understands?  You could be far away from family and friends, or under financial stress.  A pilgrim in ministry?  Loving someone who doesn’t know Jesus?  Struggling with sin you just can’t get past?

I wonder if the mother and earthly father of Jesus ever felt like a misfit.  Mary had never been with a man, yet she would become pregnant by the Holy Spirit.  Who would believe her?  What would people think and say?  The man she hoped to marry was thinking of leaving.  Young and alone, who would be there to help her?  Only she had heard the angel speak.  Troubled and afraid, she asked, “How will this be?”  The angel convinced her God was able to do all things.  All Joseph had to base his whole life on—his and Mary’s—was an angel in a dream.  What if he had made a mistake?  What would that mean?  He must have wondered:  Who am I to care for this baby born to save the world?  I don't know if I can do this.

  

What about Jesus?  The King of kings, whose kingdom would not end, was born far from home in a barn surrounded by dirt and smelly animals.  From the most humble of settings in the most humble of ways, a Savior?  He was expected but not like this.

Jesus’ family, religious leaders, and sometimes His followers, saw Him as a misfit.  But His desire was not to fit in.  It was to do the will of His Father. Not even one tribe welcomed Him.  He had no place to lay His head.  Through every temptation known to man, He remained without sin.  He did hang out with sinners, though.  Tax collectors, liars, thieves, prostitutes, and murderers.  Why?  Because He wanted them to get to know Him and His Father.  It was the thought of the separation that had never before been—separation from His Father—that made Jesus sweat blood.  Jesus knows well what it means to feel alone—to feel that you don’t fit in.  But He came to get us so we will never have to be alone.

Like Paul, I see myself as chief of all sinners.  I need to grow in knowing God and His love for me all the more. 

  

Prayer:

Lord, I pray we come celebrate and rest in that costly, beautiful love of yours and your Father’s.  Impress on our hearts that we are not alone.  That you are God with us.

(Note:  If you would enjoy just letting God wrap His arms around you in His love, think of beginning with music.  I have just purchased a l0-year-old girl’s (Jackie Evancho) recording of “O Holy Night.”  Two of the songs on the CD are opera but even my gospel-music-loving husband said he liked it.  Enjoy the words to the English songs, but just let the opera be a backdrop to enjoy God’s presence.)

Intimacy

“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me.  Make yourselves at home in my love.  If you keep my commands you’ll remain intimately at home in my love.  That’s what I’ve done—kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in His love.”

“I’ve told you these things for a purpose:  that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature.  This is my command:  Love one another the way I loved you.  This is the best way to love.”  (John 15:9-12, The Message) 

Intimacy

Why do butterflies fly?

Why wouldn't God come to us in the most intimate of ways when His greatest sovereign plan of all time made provision for it?

Why do butterflies hunger to fly?

Why do stars hunger to hang in the sky?

Why do flowers hunger to bloom?

Why do babies cry and mothers meet their need?

Why do we become hungry within our bellies?

                            

God is reminding us of a greater hunger.  All these things are Him alluring us to the need only He can meet—the hunger of our soul.  The longing of our hearts.  Our craving for intimacy.  We may try to fill this need in many ways.  But it is only when our great desire for God (the desire which He planted within us) meets with His desire for us that our need for intimacy is met.  This happens through the Spirit.  The same Spirit who lives in God the Father, lives in the Son, and lives in us.

Why does part of our heart run for freedom from Him instead of running for freedom in Him?  Why do we love Him so imperfectly?  Why, as we are caught in this snare, does He persistently love us—the imperfect—so perfectly?  Why?  Because of His son, Jesus.  Because God gave the perfect one to love the imperfect ones, perfectly.  Why?  For His glory, so that we might share in this wondrous love that each person of the Godhead shares.  God’s perfect love has won, will win, and is winning the battle for our hearts and our affections.  He meets the hunger of our souls and hearts completely.  He is relentless.  At times you may be so filled with His love that you feel overwhelmed.  Nothing satisfies as fully as resting in His wondrous love for us.

Why do butterflies fly with air beneath their wings?

Why do the stars hang in the sky as from a string?

Why do flowers bloom before our very eyes? 

Why do mothers feed their young from their very own bodies?

Why do we hunger for God's love?

Because God placed a hunger for His perfect love within our hearts.

The same love the Father has for the Son, He has for us.   His love has won, will win, and is winning.  Because of a great battle that was fought at the cross, His love won for you and for me, quenching this thirst for an endless intimacy ...

God’s heart cries out, “Don't be afraid.  I will not reject you.  You may suffer but you are safe.  Your heart is safe with me.  Come close to me. You are mine. There is none like you.  Come be one with me as I, the Spirit, and my Son are one.” 

And so we are one.  As the sky has no end, let us explore the endless possibilities of this intimacy.  Let us be ruined by Him.  Captured by Him.  Let us let His perfect love invade us today, now, this very moment, for His glorious love ...  Intimacy.

Prayer

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, we ponder the things of you day and night.  We long to grow in knowing you more.  O Spirit, work in our hearts to rid us of our independence and control.  Please, Lord, increase our trust in you and not ourselves.  Then give us your strength, your peace, your joy, yourself in our weakness.  Let us know the power, the resurrecting power that raised Christ from the dead, which lives in us, and bonds us together as one.  Fill us. Surround us with your mighty, gentle, unconditional love.  Jesus, we are seated with you, as you are with the Father, in the heavenlies.  Be alive in and through us in a mighty way. 

Written 2004—Revised 2010

Living Beyond Ourselves

  “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired   

   even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death.  But this happened that

   we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” 

                                                                                                          2 Corinthians 1:8-9 (NIV)

I am visiting at my dad’s home as I write this.  Each time I have walked to his back yard, I can't help but notice two shrubs growing extremely close to each other. One is larger, but the two blend completely because they have been manicured to appear as one.  When I see this, I can’t help but think of how the Father is growing us into the likeness of His Son, Jesus.  I think He does this in as many ways as there are children of God.

I am sure you have heard these two statements:

               God helps those who help themselves.

                                                          

               God never gives us more than we can handle.

Sometimes you will hear people quote these statements as though they are taken from the Bible, but they are not.  There are verses similar in content, but they are specifically pointing us to dependence on God, not independence.

I think God always sets us on a path that proves to be more than we can handle.  I have heard this referred to as God’s glory.  He wants us to live beyond what we can do. 

To hear someone say, “I can’t do this any more,” it may make us think we should tell that person that he or she can, or it may make us want to try to fix that person or fix the circumstances.  But this sense of helplessness is, in fact, the first step towards losing trust in oneself. 

We must be broken from the illusion that we are to have control over people or things.  This brokenness often results when our seeming control of that person or thing fails.  This is God rescuing us from ourselves, bringing us to the end of ourselves.  It is in that sense of loss that we can fully look to God in faith, and trust, and in dependence for our very lives.  

The first time I began to see myself powerless to control was, for me, the hardest.  It was like taking my first step into a dark room, not knowing what would be ahead or behind me.  But this is when I began to learn to live by faith, when I knew that Christ would live through me.  We were one.  It’s when I began to see His compassion and love for others within me, and realized that I could love others with the same love with which He loves me.  Having been a very self centered, self reliant woman, this has given me hope about loving others.  Before, I was always the victim.  I was very controlling, in denial, and fully protecting myself from anyone or anything that might hurt me.  To love is to be risky.  To be one’s true self, allowing emotions to be felt—this is to live in the reality of who Christ is, and who I am in Him.

One of the greatest things that has happened to me in these last several years is to be associated with the mentally ill, and also with addicts.  I was silenced by their humility.   They know they need help beyond themselves.  They are honest about who they really are.  They are blessed by a community few of us know about.   I am reminded that the sick, the adulterer, the thief—those who recognized they were sinners—were not the ones who crucified Christ.  It was those who were socially acceptable and esteemed for their religious acts.   Remember, Christ died for the sinner, not for the righteous. 

Our distorted, dysfunctional beliefs about God hinder us from entering into intimate relationship with Father, Son, and Spirit.  But we can see God in the face of Jesus, so we know that He is not an angry god waiting to take out His anger on His children.  Neither is He absent.  He is just, but His wrath against sin was satisfied by Jesus on the cross, making the way for us to enjoy intimacy with God: Father, Son, and Spirit.  The more we enjoy being with God and receiving His love, the more we see ourselves as beloved, accepted children of the King, and the more we find ourselves living beyond ourselves.  It is there that we know true rest and peace.

Prayer:

Lord we seek you in the glow of your presence.  It is your love that enlightens us and changes us.  Help us to know you.  We receive your love.  Fill our hearts and minds with who you are.  Help us understand that we are fully loved and accepted.  Perfect love casts out all fear.  Melt our hearts and break us gently.  We come with our rejections, our sufferings and our doubts.  You have compassion on us.  You know how we feel because of the cross.  May we come to others with that same love and compassion you give to us.  We touch the hem of your garment and we are healed.

Image of Christ

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”    (2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV)

The other morning as I began getting my breakfast, it was pitch dark outside.  But in a matter of seconds, beautiful colors of pink morning light began to appear.  I stopped and looked toward the light as the sun began to rise.  I could actually see its movement upward and outward, awakening creation.  I thought of God’s mercies, how they are new every morning.  

As the colors faded into the background, the brightness of the sun shone through.   The trees seemed to sift its rays, but they pierced through, lighting the whole room with the sun's glow.  I felt my face brighten.  Then I thought:  I wonder what Moses felt like as his face glowed with the glory of God from being in His presence? 

Wanting to grow in my own personal relationship with God, I have been on a quest, reading and talking to people about their intimacy with God.  It is so interesting to me, the different ways we seek God’s face, and how He has brought each one of us to that point.   Some see the Spirit bring Scripture into their relationship.  Others love to write, create, and listen.  Then there are those who see evidence of Him in His creation.  We might use prayer journals, meditate over devotionals about Scripture or the truth of God, or just be silent, praying for His presence and the assurance of His love. 

My times alone used to be consumed with study and words and theology.  This can be good but it does not mean you have met with God.  The knowledge has to move from the head to the heart.  Over the years the Spirit has taught me to pray in ways I never had before.  It has been out of my desperation of physical and mental weakness I have learned to speak less and listen more.  I still love to read and study but it is for the purpose of drawing me into the heart of God.

When I became aware of a serious physical problem, a friend of mine told me about a couple* she knew to be prayer warriors.  I asked if we might go see them, wanting the lady to pray over me.  I remember going to that very small, humble home.  As we entered, my friend introduced us and told about my situation. There was a Presence there.  Peace, joy—a peaceful joy.  It was as if the couple and the room glowed with the glory of God.   I thought the lady would say some lengthy prayer and maybe lay hands on me.  Instead she said something like:  “Lord, you know why we are here and we ask that you heal and protect her.”  That was it!   We thanked her and left.  I was stunned.  Her husband spoke to me on the way out.  Again, I was moved, seeing that this couple was different.  I wanted what they had.  They obviously walked with God.

Without having a name for it or an explanation, although I did have the Bible, I began to learn what it means to “pray without ceasing.”  Brother Lawrence talks about praying short prayers throughout his day of work washing dishes—praying sentence prayers.  Henri Nouwen in “The Way of The Heart” talks about heart prayers.  He says, “The prayer of the heart challenges us to hide absolutely nothing from God, and to surrender ourselves unconditionally to his mercy.”

As we pursue this kind of prayer we learn who we are, and it leads us into true relationship with God.  What is in the mind descends into the heart.  There, we can be in the continual presence of God where nothing separates us.  It might mean taking a verse you have read during the morning and then allowing the Spirit to bring it into your heart.  Something as simple as:  “The Lord is my Shepherd.”  You look to Him to lead and guide you all day long.  His heart speaks to your heart, turning your every thought into prayer.   There is a continual yielding or struggling, a sharing of our heart and receiving of His heart. The heart is the place where Christ dwells in us.  (See 2 Corinthians 13:5)  This is not a burden but a rest.  It is where compassion ministry begins. 

The more we are in His presence the more we are transformed into His image—the more Christ lives through us.  His glory is revealed in us.  This is not something we can do, but a promise that has been made to us.   In fact, our natural reaction is often to run away from God, not to Him.  We are preoccupied with self, our accomplishments, approval, guilt, shame, or reputation.  But God is continually calling us to be in His presence.  Our heart longs for that because His heart longs for it even more.  So as we persevere in seeking Him, that discipline of prayer without ceasing develops and we learn to walk in His love.  

Prayer:

God, to think that we are to continually be with you seems overwhelming.  But we look to you in faith, knowing that it is you who will bring this about in us as you call us to seek your face.  You will transform us into the image of Christ.  May we focus on you and your glory that is revealed in us.  Teach us this, I pray.

(*Note:  Charles and Thelma Duncan were truly a unique couple.  Anyone who met them walked away feeling like they had been in God's presence.  

Charles served in World War II carrying Thelma's picture in a Bible in his pocket, having asked her to wait for him.  But during a guard assignment on a demolitions train, the demolitions exploded causing him to suffer severe head trauma.  When he returned home, he and Thelma married as planned, and he became a pastor.  God gave them two sons and one daughter.  But, unfortunately, the long-term results of the injuries Charles had sustained caused flashbacks, tremendous ringing in his ears, sleeplessness, and night sweats.  He lived with intense pain.  Thelma was ever vigilant to her husband’s needs—ever his loving helpmate, spiritual soul mate, and tenacious prayer partner.

Charles’ final pastorate before retiring was in a relatively small Arkansas town.  Charles said that there were many nights he would go to the church after his family went to bed, lay himself over the altar and pray as Dwight Moody once did, that if God could use one man, he was willing to be that man.  God answered, giving Charles a vision to build a sanctuary to hold 3,000.  The townspeople thought he was misguided—that the area didn't support that size of congregational membership.  But his church followed his lead.  The sanctuary was built and God filled it.  It was truly a miraculous God-thing.

After retiring, the Duncans dedicated a room in their house as a prayer room.  They began posting pictures of the many people who requested their intercessions.  They lived their lives with an overriding, quiet confidence in God.  They never seemed distraught, although they often had serious prayer needs of their own, but were always sustained by a quiet confidence in God's control of their lives. 

Thankful Heart

"Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.  O righteous Father!  The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me.  And I have declared to them Your name and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them."  John 17:24-26

Melancholic and analytical by nature, I can become obsessed with the reasoning of theology, the Bible, or even in regard to circumstances.  I am diagnosed as: skitzo-effective with severe depression.  Doesn't sound very cheerful, does it?  What it means is that I have to be sensitive to my moods.  If I am feeling down, not feeling thankful, or have become obsessed for any length of time with something, I have to take action, or it can mean a downward spiral in my mental health.  Those who are close to me are aware of this.  They help me keep a close watch.

This morning, I was thinking how in this holiday season some people will find themselves in harder situations than they have ever known before.  Situations which may involve the health and welfare of a loved one, mental or physical illness, troubled relationships, the economy, the loss of someone dear, or even having to face death, oneself.  Others may have memories that have been dormant in their minds till the holidays, but now, memories of an abusive parent, a very hard childhood, the loss of a sibling or a child or a parent or a mate, surface to trouble them.  The list of possibilities goes on and on.  Even those who seem to glide through life untouched by suffering, who really knows what they may be going through?

Suffering should not take us by surprise. Paul said that those who would live godly lives through Christ Jesus would suffer.  

(See 2 Timothy 3:12)  Christ promised that things would not be easy for His followers.  (See John 16:33) But it is through our suffering that God’s glory is revealed.  Paul saw his suffering as an opportunity to spread the gospel, but it was no less suffering.  In times of difficulty or suffering, we also see God’s faithfulness.  And in those times, who or what we are trusting in may be revealed—the condition of the heart.  Steve Brown, in his "Holiday Magazine" says, "Those aren't even the issues, though.  The issue is God.  Run to him.  Thanksgiving will be natural."

One night when only my dad and I were home, his sitter had just left and I thought he was settled in for the night, I sat down to read a book.  I heard my name: "Deborah!"  I ran to my dad’s side and asked, "What, Dad?  Are you ok?"  He said, "Yes, I just want to talk."  I sat down in the rocker nearby and listened carefully.  "What is it, Dad?" 

My dad began to ask me about the family.  "How are the kids?  They are ok, aren't they?  How is Tammy?"  (Tammy is my sister.)  I said, "We are all fine dad."  We named everyone and talked about how each one was doing.  I wanted to reassure him.   Then my dad said, "I won't bother you anymore."  I said, "Dad you don't understand.  I came here to be with you.  I love you.  You are my dad.  You are a good dad and a good grandpa."

 My dad then asked:  "You want to lie down over there?"  He pointed to the twin bed next to his hospital bed.  I climbed in.  He said, "Now isn't that more comfortable?"  I said, "Yeah, Dad, it is great."

As I lay there looking at him through the dim light shining from the next room, he remained silent, touching the rails that keep him safely confined.  As he tried to move his weak legs, he placed his hands on his chest.  I began to pray, "Lord help me know what to say." 

"Dad, do you know what Jesus says?"  "What?" he asked.  "Jesus says he will never leave us."  Tears of thankfulness rolled down my cheeks. 

"Yeah, he will never leave us," my dad repeated.

"Jesus says that nothing can separate us from his love," I added. 

 My dad said again, "He will never leave us."  Then we prayed, thanking Jesus.

 So this holiday—listen.  God is calling your name.  Do you hear it?  Run to Him.  He just wants to talk to you, and for you to lie down and rest beside him.  You’ll find Him, and He will give you a thankful heart—the only kind He can give.

Prayer: 

God—Father, Son, and Spirit—I thank you that we can come to you no matter what the condition of our heart, or whatever our circumstances.  We don't have to try to fix ourselves in order to come to you.  We can’t.  But Christ has already made the way for us.  We are perfect in your sight.  Thank you that you are zealous for us.  You are relentless in bringing us into your presence.  Fix our longing hearts on you.  May our hearts be one as you are One.

Markers of Time

“Those twelve stones which they had taken from the Jordan, Joshua set up at Gilgal.  He said to the sons of Israel, ‘When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, “What are these stones” then you shall inform your children, saying, “Israel crossed this Jordan on dry ground.’”  For the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed, just as the LORD your God had done to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed; that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is mighty, so that you may fear the LORD your God forever.”  Joshua 4:20-24 (NASB95)

This coming year marks the 30-year reunion of the 1981 National Championship at Clemson.  I remember that time so vividly.  We were headed to Miami to play in the Orange Bowl for the National Title.  I remember how, all week, the reporters talked about “the powerhouse,” the University of Nebraska, and their proven coach, Tom Osborne, was there to play Clemson.  (Clemson who?  From where?)  

Danny was a young coach then, only 31.   I was 30.  Our team, which was much smaller in size than the Nebraska team, had gone down two weeks earlier to become conditioned to the warmer weather.  It was middle of the winter in South Carolina.  At that time, we had two little girls and a baby.  Trying to pack for those weather conditions at that time of year was quite a chore.  Then having to deal with things that didn’t go right, such the kids’ suitcase with all their clothes (and some of mine) being lost.  I think I kept a headache that whole week.  But I kept telling Danny, “If we win, this will be worth it.”  

It happened.  We won!   Having also gone undefeated that season, we were voted National Champions.  One thing my husband could instill in a player was how to play with his heart.  He developed a player’s talent and work ethic to make a winning player.  He had his team’s respect and they gave ll0% of themselves to him.  Yet as wonderful a win as it was, with all the honors that go along with that kind of success, somehow, I couldn’t let myself really enjoy God’s blessing to us, and my husband’s gift to our family.  Something was wrong in my heart, and even the win couldn’t fix it.

It was several years later, around 1989 when I met with a relative of my pastor.  My pastor and his wife had known that I had been struggling, and had been very supportive of our family.  I sat with this lady for about an hour, telling her how hard I had tried to be the best Christian, best wife, and best mother I could be.  But it wasn’t enough.  I still felt miserable.  She said, "Deborah, I think you have sin in your heart:  resentment, bitterness, and anger.  For what seemed like an eternity, I sat there looking at her.  I thought to myself, “She hasn’t heard a word I have said.” 

After stewing for awhile, the Spirit began to work in my heart.  I saw that this woman’s thinking about me was right.  There was resentment and bitterness and anger in my heart.  When I confessed my sin, I was cleansed.  I was filled with love and joy!

This brought me into a new way of thinking about the gospel.  This was the beginning of me realizing that I need the gospel—repentance and faith—everyday.  It wasn’t just for that one moment in time when I first became a Christian.  This was a major step in learning to enjoy love and intimacy with Jesus and the Father, through the Spirit.  I was being set free.

First, God had been faithful to show me that the blessings of great success can’t compensate for not having a right heart with Him.  Then He was also faithful to identify the sin areas in my heart which needed my confession, Him giving me the heart change of repentance, and His forgiveness.   

Those are only two markers of time in which I recognize God’s faithfulness.  There are many more markers of time, but I will never forget what God did through these two in my life.  I have told these stories many times over the years.  Sometimes when I have been struggling again to believe, or when God has not seemed near and I felt depressed, in a dry and barren place.  Sometimes just in reminiscing with God, thanking Him for how He has used all things in my life for my good and His glory.  And many times during worship, I remind myself of God’s past work in my life.  I reflect.  I remember, and I tell these stories of “markers of time.” 

God uses our stories of His faithfulness to increase and strengthen faith in us, and in others.  It reminds us of the hope we have in Him for the present and the future.  For me, I feel strengthened physically, and I feel my joy restored.  I can once again rest at His feet.  I return to His embrace.  I am surrounded in His love.  I return to walk in His presence, in love, by faith.  I begin again to remember the promises, and that they are for me.  It gives Him glory.  This is why I remember.  This is why I write.

The most important marker in time is the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ.  That is the gospel.  He felt the pain and paid the price for our sins, guilt, and shame, so that we might have a personal relationship with Him, with the Father, and with the Spirit.

Christ incarnated—He lived the life I could not live, and then gave it to me in the gift of His righteousness.  He—God, in person—can now sympathize with our sufferings and our temptations, because He knows what it is to be fully man.  Now I can come boldly to the throne of grace with confidence and love and affection for Him who delights in me, and who enjoys being with me.  He’s the one who loves me no matter how much I fail.  I can come to the Father who sees no sin when He sees me.  I can rest, mind, body, and soul, in His loving affection for me.  I can return to that unspeakable joy, and the peace that passes all understanding.  I enjoy eternity with Him, beginning now.

Our God is not some deity who is distant and far off, or to be worshiped only on Sunday or Christmas or Easter.  I can know Christ, the Father, and the Spirit.  My God is one who cares, who has been brought near, and who longs to be the lover of my soul.  He desires to be first in my life, and for me to take confidence in His love, so that I exist in that love every moment of every day, and I give it away.  

 To Him who is worthy of all our worship and praise.

Made for Worship

"But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter."  

"That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship."

God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.  

John 4:21-24 (The Message)

We are going to worship something.  Our hearts and minds and souls were created to worship God.  The reason we struggle is because of our bent to worship someone or something other than God.  Like cob webs, these other things trap us, each strand pulling us in opposite directions.  They are illusions that promise us enjoyment or peace, or that our every need will be met—that once we have that person or that thing which we desire, we will be satisfied.  So we work to that end and offer our worship. 

The counterfeit, the idol, the false god, grabs our immediate attention.  Then it demands more and more of our loyalty.  It sucks the very life from us because, in the end, it does not give what it has promised.  It does not have the power to give, and it can never be enough.  It is a false gospel.

To me, to worship in truth, means to worship in the truth of who we are and who God is.   Brennan Manning in “Abba’s Child” talks about how we refuse to be our true self with others, and with God.  He says that one of the great preoccupations we now have is our weight—that it is the imposter within us.  He paraphrases Cardinal Wolsey:  Would that I had served my God the way I have watched my waistline!

At a young age, I became preoccupied with approval and beauty.  First, I think, as a small child performing, and then at a later age, entering pageants.  I had great parents who adored me.  I could sense, though, how proud they were when I would win.  We didn’t have a lot materially, so my success made them happy, or so I thought. 

Over the years, the honors of popularity which I had achieved were very important, because I wanted others’ approval.  My last year in high school, I was voted “Queen of the School.”  Someone who helped count the votes said I had won by the largest margin ever recorded, but that none of my friends in the popular group had voted for me.  Maybe they saw me for what I was?  Maybe the others loved me in spite of who I was?  I don’t know why, but I felt embarrassed by the honor.  I asked my mom and dad not to come see me crowned.

Since that time, I’ve continued to be embarrassed by attention paid to me.  The public lifestyle we have lived because of my husband’s career has made made it very hard for me to take a back seat.  But that is where I have chosen to be whenever I possibly could because my focus changed from getting approval by honors, to wanting to be good—a good wife, a good mother, and a good Christian.

But it was in the practice of doing that when my world fell apart.  I became physically ill, and then mentally unhealthy.  I can see now that my family had become my god, and evidently, I had become their god.  My daughter said, “Mom, until you got sick, you were my god.” 

When I realized I could no longer balance all the plates and that what I was doing was too much for me, I came out of denial.  I was no longer a beauty queen or the great wife of a successful man.  I was a woman with a mental disorder, locked behind closed doors, singing amazing grace with my inmates.  

With everything I had taken pride in taken away, my focus was all about God.  I could be honest about who I was and who God was, and who He had been to me.  I learned what it was to worship from my heart, all the time, not just in the traditional way at church, although I loved that worship also.  I started taking steps towards simply being myself.

For so long, I had hidden behind walls of protection for fear of rejection.  I had pretended to be someone I wasn’t and could never be:  perfect.  I came to understand that I could only be perfect by the gift of Christ’s righteousness.  I was already loved and accepted by Him and the Father.  I was beautiful to Him no matter what my appearance.  I had also realized that Christ came for the sick, and that I needed a Savior, even more.  No one or no thing could meet my need besides Him.  I was free in the gospel.

The Lord is changing me to see that it’s not about whether the attention is on me or not on me, but it’s about the attention being on God and on loving others with the love He gives me.  I still forget at times, but when I do, the Spirit is so gentle in showing me.  I confess it to Him, and to others, and He brings me to repentance and faith.  It is a gift from God and from others, to point me to Him.

C. S. Lewis says in his “Reflection of the Psalms”, “I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment it is, its appointed consummation.”

God is seeking those who will worship Him.  Since we were made to worship Him, He helps us by stripping us of our idols.  It’s not that we will never go there again, but we can pray, “Oh, Lord, search my heart,” and hopefully, we will begin to recognize our idol(s) more quickly each time. 

God always desires us.  The Spirit will give us the longing for God, and we can respond in worship in Spirit and in Truth.  He is the truth and the way.  Let’s go to Christ and the Father and their affection for us.  Let us be changed, fulfilled, reassured of who we are to Him, and who He is, and rest in that truth.  Let us rest and receive His love, Lord, this is my prayer.  

Solitude

For someone like me, seeking solitude can be a very difficult thing. With being skitzo-effective I struggle with high highs and low lows. Isolation is not good for me. But I have found that there is a huge difference between isolation and solitude. When I seek isolation I am running away from people and from life. When I seek solitude I have a purpose. I am seeking the Person of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I am seeking life.

Many years ago when I began a pilgrimage to seek God's face through solitude, my mind would not stop. I had come from a very busy life and I was very independent. When I attempted to be still, things I needed to be doing would begin spinning around in my thoughts. Then I would have guilt feelings, even at times, fear and shame. I could not get my focus off me. I could not stop the thoughts.

Now, after years of the Spirit working with me, I am more familiar with surrounding myself with the love of God. I do not go into meditation thinking about what an awful sinner I am. My first action is to just quiet myself. Many times I look at nature—the things God has made—and meditate on who He is.


         I watched a hummingbird piercing deep within a brilliant flower, sucking its nourishment
            yet still maintaining its position. Its wings were wisping through the air so fast I could
                               hardly see them, but it was as if I could hear a sweet hum.

To me, it's like seeing a painting and learning about the artist. Or reading a book and learning about the way the author thinks.

When I seek solitude, it may take me a little while to settle down, so I love resting in God's love as I listen to music. My preference is soaking or classical music. I am just being still. I begin to think on who I am and God's undying love for me. Sometimes I hear His still, small voice telling me that He loves me so—that I am a child of the King, and He is my Abba Father. I am His and He is mine. How I long for intimacy with Him. I know He is the one calling me there. I do simple things like breathing deeply and releasing. I receive the Spirit who is telling me, "I love you and you love me." I can do that because I know I was created in God's image and He does not give Himself anything but good gifts. As I am open and honest, He loosens my control of my life—people, possessions or problems. My heart is yielded in the love of the Father. Our personalities are magnificent together—set free! Jesus lives His life and love through me.

I believe we are the result of a love relationship between Father, Son, and Spirit. We are an overflow of that love relationship and celebration. We are each special to God. No one child can reveal Him in the very same way. Only Jesus reveals God completely. We each relate to God in fellowship in our own unique way.

I have four children and four grandchildren. I used to say that I think if I had a hundred they would all be different, and that I would have a different relationship with each one of them. Each one is so very special to me no matter what the situation.

I think we are much the same way to the Father. He loves for us to be in communion, to fellowship, and just sit enjoying Him in the quiet. Somehow in the solitude, I am lifted up by Jesus, up by His side in the heavenlies. I am brought into worship. There He is glorified, and I am fulfilled and satisfied. The love and the power of the Cross from Father, Son, and Spirit are given to me. My gaze is on Him and how beautiful and glorious He is.

This does not happen every time. Sometimes I feel nothing and hear nothing. But as I meditate over and over on one simple truth, He always gives me something from His Word. Then as I look for Him to show up and speak to me all throughout my day, He surprises me. I cannot put Him in a box. God wants to reveal Himself to me more than I want Him. But He will choose where and when. He is personal. Many times my physical and mental state is such that I resist seeking solitude. Sometimes, though, knowing that I am resisting drives me there even more.

Lately, I find my heart longs for God as nothing else. I have realized from where my true sense of life comes. I understand for Whom and what I am longing. When my strength seems to be gone, there is no where else to run. There is no one else to whom I can run because God is my solitude.

A Little Child

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." 

  Mark l0:15

Most of the time, I find myself taking life too seriously. I put up walls of protection, tighten my shoulders, and grit my teeth. Why do I find it so hard to become like a little child? Is it the fear of rejection?  the need to be loved?  What did Jesus mean by this verse?

Many years ago, my family and I went to a friend’s mountain cottage for a few days vacation.  It was a warm, glowing, full-of-personality place. After unpacking the car, we decided to take a little walk. Although it was dark outside, the snow was so bright we didn't even take a light. As we walked down the hill, I plopped myself down in the snow and laid flat on my back. I began to laugh, swinging my arms and legs up and down.  When I stood up to shake off the snow, I saw the beautiful imprint of a snow angel.  "I have always wanted to do that," I said.  It made me feel like a little child.

I remember another time.  My husband and son had left for a five day trip. Looking forward to learning more about solitude, I picked up my books to go sit on my screened-in back porch. I sat there looking out to a beautiful sunny day. Suddenly, out of the blue (literally), it began to rain. Before I realized what I was doing, I laid my books down and ran outside.  Looking up with my mouth wide open, I drank in the rain, all the while spinning around and around.  I was soaked in a matter of minutes, but I didn't care. I was having too much fun dancing. I felt so alive and such inner freedom.

A couple of months ago I went to the dermatologist for a precancerous spot on my nose. Treatment has taken me through some awful looking stages.  The other day in the Dollar Store a little girl said, "You gotta bobo on your nose?"  I said, "Yes, I do."  When she looked at me with great concern and compassion, I said, "It doesn’t hurt. It will go away soon."  She smiled and said, "Oh."  While most of the adults I have been around seem to have felt awkward about it, the little girl was open and honest.  Why can't we be like a little child?  Children just lay their hearts out there.

My grandchildren have taught me a good deal about being a child. They love to laugh and create. One afternoon this past summer we made biscuits together.  Soon the flour was all over the floor, the counter, and us. When we were finished one of them wanted to decorate with sprinkles and birthday candles. I said, "Hon, we are not making cake, we are making biscuits."  The children didn’t care. I gave each one a ball of dough to create his masterpiece. We even lit the candles and sang "Happy Birthday" to each of us!

In two situations I have learned more this year about being a little child. I just mentioned one—my grandchildren. The second is my father, who is older now, but more than that, has been very sick. They are both similar in many ways. They are very dependent. They are open and honest, and they don’t protect themselves by placing walls between you and them. They have no reputation to try to uphold. They share love boldly, and they share their hearts freely.

In thinking about these people, I wonder if God intended for us to enter
this world as a child and leave it as a child?

The question is: How do we live child-like in our daily lives between those years?

Brennan Manning says, in his book "Souvenirs of Solitude," that the "child" represents our authentic self. He says, "I am a unique and radiant center of personal thought and feeling. Rather than living a routine existence in mere conformity with the crowd, the emerging child reminds me I have a face of my own, gives me the courage to be myself, protects me against being like everybody else, and calls for that living, vibrant, magnificent image of Jesus Christ that is within me waiting only to unfold and be expressed."

He also says that you don't really share yourself until you share your feelings. That is the secret of love.  

Prayer:

Father, Son, and Spirit, your love makes me want to be a little child again. I want to laugh and sing and dance and run with you. Please give me a child-like faith with enjoyment, dependence, and confidence in your love—believing it, receiving it, and giving it away. Help me not be guarded, but love openly and freely. Teach me again I pray.