Dark Night of my Soul

"'O God my rock,' I cry,

'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?'"

"...Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God! 
I will praise Him again--my Savior and my God!"
(Psalms 42:9, 11 NLT)

There was a time when I remember hurting so badly within I thought I might die.  I knew I should run to God, but I felt paralyzed.  Pain and heartache were at every turn.  I felt like Jesus must have felt when He said He had no place to lay his head.  I tried to seek Him, but no prayers came.  I asked others to pray.  Nothing, still.  Where could I escape this seeming dark night of my soul?

I decided to wait until morning, believing God would watch over me through the night.  He does not slumber or sleep.  But, I wondered, will anything be different?  Will I see the light of day with new hope and joy?  Will I see in color instead of black and white?

Why do I feel so listless?  Numb?  Can't sleep?  Where is God?  I know He is here, but I can't sense His presence.  I know He is bigger than my fear and unbelief.  I still can't pray.  So I wait.  Is God waiting also?

Over the next couple of days the dark clouds did begin to lift.  I told myself the things I knew to be true—that God had never left me.  That I was enveloped in His love.  That His Spirit was within me.  That He keeps His promises.  The words I said in my head slowly came to life in my heart.

Things are different now.  Better.  God has gently placed His finger on things that occupied the corners of my heart in place of Him.  He has answered my hard prayers of:

                                Humble me

                                Whatever it takes I want to know You more 

                                I want more of You and less of me 

                                Align my heart with Yours 

I acknowledged pride, selfish ambition, unbelief, and false lovers.  God is the only faithful, true lover of our soul.  He will not be manipulated or controlled.  He has multiple purposes in everything He does.  He always acts out of His love in the way that is ultimately redemptive for me, and that brings Him the most glory.   That is where my true happiness lies.  His concern is for my faith.

I don't have all the answers about that dark night.  We will spend eternity growing in understanding of God’s masterful hand and still never fully understand.  I want to add:  He always surprises and is extreme.