I'm Scared, God

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.”  (Romans 5:1-2, NASB95)

Over the past five years I have gained and lost a lot of weight.  The other day as I was getting dressed, I bent down and saw a small, but much defined, hard muscle in my leg.  I had not noticed it before.  It seemed so firmly attached to the bone in my leg it would not move. This was a picture of faith to me.  The child of God is attached to God by faith.

This started me on a thought process about our faith and grace.  In so many ways I feel I am just beginning to understand what it means to walk by faith.  Paul says to continue in the Christian life in the same way we began it.  That is, by faith.  For me to do this, God first had to come in and shatter my image of what I thought life ought to be.

Someone coming out of denial that his faith was, in part, him believing in himself said it was like he was in a dark room.  He couldn't see.  He kept bumping into something.  When you have always thought you knew the right thing to do and then you find out you don't, it is a very scary place. 

It takes time to learn to walk by faith.  Trusting in God, not in man.  Not trusting in yourself.  Being led by the Spirit, while having the law written on your heart, is so different than following a set of rules just to get it right.  You see with new eyes.  Scripture reaches your heart.  You have a new love.  You begin to step out in the unknown, in faith.  Even though you may begin in fear you didn't know you had, it is a much better place than remaining in self reliance.  There you feel like it all depends on you, so you don't need God.  I know I have been there and still wrestle with that at times.  But in true faith you find a new freedom.   A new strength in your weakness.  A boldness out of fear.

I remember when I was a little girl.  My parents gave me a necklace with a small glass pendant which encased a tiny mustard seed.  God tells us if we have the faith of a mustard seed it can move mountains.  I think that mountain for me is my rock-hard heart I sometimes fall back into.  But the Spirit convicts me, changes me, and gives me fresh faith. 

God is the giver of our faith.  We cannot only ask for faith, but ask for conviction of sin and a change-of-heart repentance.  This same faith and grace we walk by is also how we enter into God’s remarkable, breath-taking presence.  If you are struggling, not seeing past your sin, it could be you need to know the love of the Father in a deeper way.  Grace allows us to know we are fully loved, totally accepted, secure, and forgiven.  It allows us to see our need for God. 

For me the small sound of a bird, the sun on my face, or a gentle breeze can escort me into God’s presence.  Enjoy His warmth as He wraps His arms around you and reassures you of His love.  The Spirit can use anything to bring you there.  He can even take a proud heart and make it willing to enter. 

Lord, You are the giver of grace and our faith.  We seek to know You as our loving Father who longs to give His children good gifts.  We have your Spirit living inside and through us.  Help us to lean into You today and not stand on our own.  Let us learn to rest in Your presence as children who are loved by their loving, heavenly Father.  It is in You we seek.  

Growing in Grace

"But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen."  (2 Peter 3:18, NASB95) 

Last night was my wedding anniversary.  As a surprise to my husband and family, set up had been made for us to see the kids and hear them talk to us.  I cannot tell you the joy that filled all our hearts as they appeared on the television screen.  They were jumping, screaming, laughing, and hitting each other.  We were all waving and saying “Hi!” “Hi! We love you.”  It was amazing.

Today as I was driving, thinking about seeing the kids last night, tears filled my eyes.  Thinking how wonderful it was, and how much I miss them.  Then it hit me.  I said, “Father, do You really delight in me more than that?  I can't imagine.  Are you so excited when I draw near to You?  Do you take great joy in everything I do?  Just in being with me, alone?  Do You not only love me, but You like me a lot?  You think I am great to be with?”

As we watched the kids playing and having fun, someone said, “They are looking at themselves.”  We all just died laughing.  They were making faces and running around and looking at the screen.  It didn't matter to us.  We just loved seeing them.

I think about the things I have done in the past.  Being married, raising my children, serving God, teaching, speaking, you know, all things you may have done.  I can look back and see impure motives.  I did a lot of looking at myself—it was more about me.  I lacked knowledge.  Heart knowledge.  It seems the closer I get to Christ the more I see my need for Him.  The more I grow in grace. 

We are all on a Spiritual Journey.  If we wait till we know it all, or until we have pure motives, we will do nothing.  We are proclaiming Christ and His faithfulness, not ours.  We are sharing the love of the Father and the work of the Spirit.  It is about God.  Not us.

God is never changing.  We are always changing, growing, and allowing Christ and the Spirit of the Father to live through us more and more.  God delights in us in the process.  So if you find yourself on top of a pedestal (I fell off mine!), or if you’ve been hiding under a rock somewhere, it’s time to do something.  Go proclaim the faithfulness of God and His unfailing love for you!  It never changes.

Jesus, I thank You that Your perfect life is mine.  I can rest in Your righteousness.  I give up the strife and defeat and pride over my own success and failures.  Keep me and grow me in Your great love, and grow me in grace.

The Gift Giver

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  (Romans 8:28, NASB95)

Many people are born with natural talent while others try to develop talents.  When my children were little I looked for what they enjoyed and were good at doing so I could point them in that direction.  It has been interesting to see God reveal the true loves and gifts He has given them.  He was preparing them for the way they should go.

I used to say, “I have no gifts.”  I am not a great artist or painter or writer.  I don't sing or dance (although I sure tried).  Raising four children with my husband often away, I didn't take time to develop outside hobbies.  I thought when the children left home I would have a huge empty space of time.  That is not the case.  God uses our past and present circumstances along with people in our lives.  Even our weaknesses and our struggles can become part of our gifts.

The more time I spend in unbroken communion in God’s love, the more things I find myself enjoying.  God is the Creator.  He is creative.  When we ease into the things He begins to reveal in us, we start to enjoy the gifts we have been given.  We not only experience Him, but learn something about Him in the process.  It is Him expressing Himself through us.

One of my friends gives away her flowers and bakes for people.  Another one is a prayer warrior, never hesitating to give a smile and encourage.  A new friend is deciding how to pass on her photography and writing gifts.  I have a friend who writes for a local paper and does prison ministry.  I just reconnected with a couple of friends.  One, a single in her 50's, delights in three young sons she has adopted.  The other one, really struggling in her health, says she is doing well because God has a plan for her.  Writer friends I know pass on their God-given talent, love and wisdom.

Sometimes we may feel like we are in a barren land.  Stripped of all we have done in the past. Feeling useless. Without purpose.  This is the furthest thing from the truth.  This is a time to be alone with God.  He wants to do a mighty work.  His first concern is your relationship with Him.  I have been in that situation several times.  But afterward, I came away with a deeper, fuller relationship with God than I had known before.

Be patient.  Enjoy God.  Worship.  Rest.  Wait.  You'll be amazed.  These are gifts in themselves.  God is the Gift Giver.  He is the Gift!

God, You have given us such an abundant life.  May we seek You in the things and people we enjoy.  Lord, if we are not enjoying life in You right now, will You meet us there also?  Teach us all to enjoy You more.

Just Around the Corner

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.  By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”  (John 13:34-35, NASB95)

Out of our time with God pours ministry.   It is a fruit of being with Him and in His word.  We begin to see love pour out of our hearts to Him and to others.  We just have to give it away.  True communion, fellowship with God and with others, is a natural overflow.  We cannot contain the love He puts in us.  It is like singing a tune you can't get off your mind.

I tend to isolate or to hold onto others too tightly.  But when I have my needs met in my relationship with God, I am able to move out and enjoy others in the dance.  Not needing them or pushing them away, but enjoying them.  Seeing them delight in God and Him in them.  And having relationship with them.  Enjoying them and God in them. 

Know that your ministry God has given you is just around the corner.  It is letting the love of Christ flow through you.  It can be a smile to the check-out clerk.  A word of encouragement at just the right time.  A prayer for someone the Lord lays on your heart.  Letting the other fellow turn in front of you.   Passing on God’s goodness and His faithfulness in your life, even when it is such a mess. At that very point you are fellowshipping with God and others.   He uses it all.

When we do these kinds of things to gain favor with God or to try to be a good person, it becomes an effort.  But when we have been in personal relationship with God, ministry cannot be contained.  You'll notice the hum in your lips, the skip in your step and the smile on your face.

Ask the Spirit to bring someone into your life today.  Be sensitive to His nudging and leading.  You'll be surprised how blessed you are through that also.  It is contagious.  Joy spreads joy, love spreads love, blessing, blesses.  One of the most precious gifts God has given to us is life, today.  Let’s not let it pass us by.

Spend time alone with God.  It might be while watching a sunrise.  Taking a quiet walk with Him.  Receiving His extravagant love for you in whatever you enjoy.  Accepting who you are to Him and letting that soak into your bones.  He will put on flesh and breathe life into you.  There’s no magic formula.  He’s your best friend.  You are His delight.

Father draw us to your side.  Quiet our hearts before you.  Let us see how rivers of living water flow from you.  May we offer others a drink.

Dark Night of my Soul

"'O God my rock,' I cry,

'Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?'"

"...Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God! 
I will praise Him again--my Savior and my God!"
(Psalms 42:9, 11 NLT)

There was a time when I remember hurting so badly within I thought I might die.  I knew I should run to God, but I felt paralyzed.  Pain and heartache were at every turn.  I felt like Jesus must have felt when He said He had no place to lay his head.  I tried to seek Him, but no prayers came.  I asked others to pray.  Nothing, still.  Where could I escape this seeming dark night of my soul?

I decided to wait until morning, believing God would watch over me through the night.  He does not slumber or sleep.  But, I wondered, will anything be different?  Will I see the light of day with new hope and joy?  Will I see in color instead of black and white?

Why do I feel so listless?  Numb?  Can't sleep?  Where is God?  I know He is here, but I can't sense His presence.  I know He is bigger than my fear and unbelief.  I still can't pray.  So I wait.  Is God waiting also?

Over the next couple of days the dark clouds did begin to lift.  I told myself the things I knew to be true—that God had never left me.  That I was enveloped in His love.  That His Spirit was within me.  That He keeps His promises.  The words I said in my head slowly came to life in my heart.

Things are different now.  Better.  God has gently placed His finger on things that occupied the corners of my heart in place of Him.  He has answered my hard prayers of:

                                Humble me

                                Whatever it takes I want to know You more 

                                I want more of You and less of me 

                                Align my heart with Yours 

I acknowledged pride, selfish ambition, unbelief, and false lovers.  God is the only faithful, true lover of our soul.  He will not be manipulated or controlled.  He has multiple purposes in everything He does.  He always acts out of His love in the way that is ultimately redemptive for me, and that brings Him the most glory.   That is where my true happiness lies.  His concern is for my faith.

I don't have all the answers about that dark night.  We will spend eternity growing in understanding of God’s masterful hand and still never fully understand.  I want to add:  He always surprises and is extreme.

POEM

Sweet Surrender

What causes mistletoe to grow in the top of a tree?

What causes a flower to bloom from a bud?  Snow to fall from the sky?

What keeps the earth spinning?  Why do we not feel it move?

What keeps a star suspended as though hanging from a string?

How does an invisible wind visibly blow through our hair?

How does a moisture-laden cloud float effortlessly above our heads?

How is it that a rainbow suddenly surfaces following the rain?

How is it that a hawk can soar for miles without seeming to try?

How do we live?  Think?  Breathe?  Move?

How do we feel?  Touch?  Laugh?  Cry?

How can we appear so strong when we are breaking inside?

How can we think we are so right when things are all wrong?

Why does God prove Himself faithful when we may have no faith?

Why does God still pursue us when He knows we may only run away?

How can He take anxious hearts and fill them with peace?

How can He take sleepless nights and transform them into rest?

Why did the Father choose to sacrifice His Son whom He loved?

Why did the Father choose to crush Him in order to save us?

Why?  Because in the face of our rebellion and rejection God is still love.

Because in the midst of our pain, God still bends down to be our comfort.

Why is it that all creation surrenders to the genius of their Creator?

Why does man still fight Him?  Find surrender so difficult?  So painful?

For when our surrender finally comes, our worst fears laid to rest,

Are not our lives best enfolded in not our will, but God’s be done?

Deborah

Nowhere Else to Go

No Where Else to Go

“Simon Peter answered Him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.’”  (John 6:68-69, NASB95)

Before I married, people told me what life might be like married to a coach.  The joys of winning.  The sadness of losing.  The many hours spent apart due the demands of the job.  The feeling that I was raising our children, alone.  Without living out those experiences, I could only imagine—mentally picture—what people had been telling me.  But the time came when I said, “Oh, that’s what they were talking about.”

Throughout my Christian life I have read and heard about “surrender.”  Always trying to understand what that meant, but not quite getting it, I would finally say, “Lord, I give up.”  I can't do this.  But this was only part of my journey to understanding.  It was extremely helpful to hear others talk about it, and to read about surrender.  Yet to truly understand, I had to experience it for myself.

I learned much about surrender from AA.  Many give their day to the Lord before getting out of bed.  Many begin their day on their knees, in prayer. 

Jesus taught us to pray:

                                 “Our Father, who art in heaven. 

                                             Hallowed be thy name. 

                                             THY KINGDOM COME

                                             THY WILL BE DONE....”

To me, that is surrender.  But you will have to experience it for yourself.  Perhaps again and again.  It is not some state of being sinless.  You will still struggle.  It is brokenness.  It is coming to the point where you admit that what you have chosen is not working.

I used to run everywhere but to God when someone hurt me, or rejected me, or I was worried about something.  I didn't realize that was what I was doing.  I presumed God wanted what I wanted.  I would wrestle and fight.  I wanted my way, not His.  I felt that I knew best.  I just wanted to be pain free.  I didn’t want to have to let go of the things I was clinging to.  My reputation.  My righteousness.  My pride.

Surrender may not bring immediate happiness.  Surrender involves repentance.  Tears may be streaming down.  Surrender may not change the pain you or your loved ones are feeling, or the difficulties you are facing.  Some even refer to surrender as dying.  Martin Luther said we are caterpillars in a ring of fire.  The only deliverance is from above.  We can't do surrender on our own.  Repentance is a God-thing.

It’s when you finally see that your way has failed, and you realize you have no choice but to trust God’s way.  Maybe you won’t hold on to having your way as long as I did.  Pray to be broken.  Ask God to help you trust Him, and teach you to receive His love.  That means that you first let go of your way, and then accept His way. 

There is no better plan for you than God’s plan.  No better place for you than in His arms of warm embrace, trusting His love for you, and His perfect plan for your life.  Surrender is the only place of true rest. 

One of the things that used to scare me to death was letting go of my control.  Now it is the very thing that gives me peace.  Turning all that I am and have over to Him.

Lord, I give you my day and everything and everyone in it.  I may have to do this several times today because I am in some hard stuff.  You have proven your faithfulness to me.  I worship and praise you.  For you hold my life in the palm of your hand.  Not my will, Lord, but your will be done.

Deborah